It seems that adopting parents hunting for babies to adopt are becoming more and more aggressive in their quest to locate the hidden treasure they seek.
Greater numbers of prospective adoptive parents are now seeking to do private adoptions, in an effort to avoid paying agency fees, so more people than ever before are crowding the Internet hunting for babies to adopt.
They don't always do so with grace or restraint, unfortunately. And that has given rise to a new term that describes them: adoptoraptors.
Don't be an adoptoraptor.
To be an adoptoraptor is to go well beyond the limits of propriety. It means exploiting the misfortune of another for personal gain, and that has little or nothing to do with the best interests of anyone's child.
The Facebook group "Open Adoption, Double the Love" has to post periodic public reminders that their site is intended to offer support and advice, but should not be used by prospective adopters trolling for eligible would-be birthmothers among its membership.
One would-be adoptive mother found this out on social media how offensive even (apparently) well-intentioned adoption inquiries can be, when she joined a "pregnant and single" board (under the guise of being pregnant and single, apparently.)
She then messaged several expectant mothers in that group to express her alleged concerns for the personal challenges they had posted about-- then "helpfully" suggested that each mother-to-be give her their coming baby.
C'mon, really? Who does that? In what polite society is it acceptable to solicit other people's children? (Entitled, much?)
The group admins banned this baby hunter, but the damage was done. The would-be adopter got flamed, birthmothers across the Internet were offended, and vulnerable moms-to-be felt even more exposed.
We'll give the woman the benefit of the doubt: maybe she was under the influence of fertility medication, or being coached by a sleazy adoption lawyer or just feeling really desperate that day. Perhaps she was raised by wolves, or she never went to church to hear what the Good Book has to say about coveting that which belongs to others.
Maybe she really did want to help someone besides herself. And if so, maybe she'll think twice before doing that again.
But she wasn't the first-- and she won't be the last. (Sadly.)
Do the kind of adoption you can be proud of... always.
Even if you're feeling rather baby-crazy now, there will come a day when you have to account to your child for everything you said and did to bring him or her home, so begin with the end in mind (to borrow a famous phrase from Stephen Covey.)
Hunting for babies to adopt may seem like a worthy goal when it's all you've ever wanted, but striving to become the best parent you can be for whatever child will need you most is sure to help both you and your future child go much further in life.
For those who are hoping to adopt, please-- begin your quest with these three Golden Rules.
1) Put yourself out there, sure, but don't put others out. Go ahead and put it out there that you are hoping to adopt, but be honest in your advertising and outreach. Don't seek to exploit others' misfortune to get the child of your dreams. Don't stalk pregnant women nor troll birthmothers' groups in search of a potential match. And please don't overextend yourselves, fiscally or figuratively. (If you have to launch a GoFundMe just to be able to afford to adopt, are you really financially-prepared to parent a child through adulthood?)
2) Adopt to meet a child's needs, not your own. We know this sounds harsh, but adoption has to be about finding homes for kids that need them (not just for couples that want them.) And let's be honest: the kids who are in the most desperate need of loving homes typically aren't blonde-haired, blue-eyed newborns.
3) To do right by any child you adopt, you must also do right by their first parents. Any adoption worth doing is worth doing right, and to do adoption right, you must be accountable. Follow the rules. Honor the birthfamily. Be sure the baby's mother is making an informed decision. And don't take any child into your home if you are unwilling to share the full adoption story with that child. Because that story is theirs, after all, from Day One, and for every day to follow.
After all: babies are not meant to be hunted, and children should never be arbitrarily orphaned just to meet an infertile couple's whims. Adoption must always be an option of last resort for the purposes of child welfare, rather than a surrogate brand of family-building.
This does not mean that adoption is not a worthy goal. (It is.) It doesn't mean that adopting is selfish (It's not.) But adoption is not a business, and the quest of adopting should not be reduced to the equivalent of some exotic (and expensive) big-game safari.
Put yourselves in a position to be found by whatever child or children truly need you most, and you just might build the kind of family who can truly change the world... for the better,
We get it: there's an ever-limited number of infants being placed for adoption nowadays, and a constantly-growing number of would-be parents vying to be chosen.
Greater numbers of prospective adoptive parents are now seeking to do private adoptions, in an effort to avoid paying agency fees, so more people than ever before are crowding the Internet hunting for babies to adopt.
They don't always do so with grace or restraint, unfortunately. And that has given rise to a new term that describes them: adoptoraptors.
Don't be an adoptoraptor.
To be an adoptoraptor is to go well beyond the limits of propriety. It means exploiting the misfortune of another for personal gain, and that has little or nothing to do with the best interests of anyone's child.
The Facebook group "Open Adoption, Double the Love" has to post periodic public reminders that their site is intended to offer support and advice, but should not be used by prospective adopters trolling for eligible would-be birthmothers among its membership.
One would-be adoptive mother found this out on social media how offensive even (apparently) well-intentioned adoption inquiries can be, when she joined a "pregnant and single" board (under the guise of being pregnant and single, apparently.)
She then messaged several expectant mothers in that group to express her alleged concerns for the personal challenges they had posted about-- then "helpfully" suggested that each mother-to-be give her their coming baby.
C'mon, really? Who does that? In what polite society is it acceptable to solicit other people's children? (Entitled, much?)
The group admins banned this baby hunter, but the damage was done. The would-be adopter got flamed, birthmothers across the Internet were offended, and vulnerable moms-to-be felt even more exposed.
We'll give the woman the benefit of the doubt: maybe she was under the influence of fertility medication, or being coached by a sleazy adoption lawyer or just feeling really desperate that day. Perhaps she was raised by wolves, or she never went to church to hear what the Good Book has to say about coveting that which belongs to others.
Maybe she really did want to help someone besides herself. And if so, maybe she'll think twice before doing that again.
But she wasn't the first-- and she won't be the last. (Sadly.)
Do the kind of adoption you can be proud of... always.
Even if you're feeling rather baby-crazy now, there will come a day when you have to account to your child for everything you said and did to bring him or her home, so begin with the end in mind (to borrow a famous phrase from Stephen Covey.)
Hunting for babies to adopt may seem like a worthy goal when it's all you've ever wanted, but striving to become the best parent you can be for whatever child will need you most is sure to help both you and your future child go much further in life.
For those who are hoping to adopt, please-- begin your quest with these three Golden Rules.
1) Put yourself out there, sure, but don't put others out. Go ahead and put it out there that you are hoping to adopt, but be honest in your advertising and outreach. Don't seek to exploit others' misfortune to get the child of your dreams. Don't stalk pregnant women nor troll birthmothers' groups in search of a potential match. And please don't overextend yourselves, fiscally or figuratively. (If you have to launch a GoFundMe just to be able to afford to adopt, are you really financially-prepared to parent a child through adulthood?)
2) Adopt to meet a child's needs, not your own. We know this sounds harsh, but adoption has to be about finding homes for kids that need them (not just for couples that want them.) And let's be honest: the kids who are in the most desperate need of loving homes typically aren't blonde-haired, blue-eyed newborns.
3) To do right by any child you adopt, you must also do right by their first parents. Any adoption worth doing is worth doing right, and to do adoption right, you must be accountable. Follow the rules. Honor the birthfamily. Be sure the baby's mother is making an informed decision. And don't take any child into your home if you are unwilling to share the full adoption story with that child. Because that story is theirs, after all, from Day One, and for every day to follow.
After all: babies are not meant to be hunted, and children should never be arbitrarily orphaned just to meet an infertile couple's whims. Adoption must always be an option of last resort for the purposes of child welfare, rather than a surrogate brand of family-building.
This does not mean that adoption is not a worthy goal. (It is.) It doesn't mean that adopting is selfish (It's not.) But adoption is not a business, and the quest of adopting should not be reduced to the equivalent of some exotic (and expensive) big-game safari.
Put yourselves in a position to be found by whatever child or children truly need you most, and you just might build the kind of family who can truly change the world... for the better,
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